Why Do We Help Those Who Hurt Us?

We have all felt the desire to help someone. Whether it is a friend, an acquaintance, a stranger, a family member or a significant other, we have wanted to help them in both small and grand ways. The reasons for this are many.
But why is it that in a situation where we get hurt countless times by the other person, we still suffer and struggle to help?
I asked anyone I knew who had personal experience with this… Why do we continue to help those who’ve hurt us? Their answers varied…

The majority of the answers were along the lines of:

• “to distract myself from my own problems”
• “because I wanted to be the reason they changed”
• “because I loved him”
• “because I believed that she could change”

I believe that the first and second responses have the same foundation: deep-rooted insecurity. When someone wants to distract herself from her own problems, she will latch on to someone else. By putting all of her energy into another person, she can avoid what is bothering her about herself. This is usually on a subconscious level, where the person doesn’t even realize that they are avoiding or feeding their own insecurities.
Sticking around because you want to “be the reason he or she changes” or the reason that he or she wants to change also validates insecurity. Everyone wants to feel loved, needed, and important. Those who are deeply insecure will seek this validation in unhealthy relationships instead of waiting for something more stable and healthy to come along.
The third and fourth responses also go hand in hand. They usually are the responses when the problems arise later on in a romantic relationship, or if it is a family member or dear friend. A relationship has the potential to gradually deteriorate, but early on, a sense of mutual love and caring has developed. The first few fights or damaging situations are always followed by promises of change and seemingly sincere apologies.
An example of this is when you find your significant other or closest friend abusing a drug that they said they wouldn’t use anymore. They react defensively and lash out at you. The next day, or even hours later, they cry and apologize profusely. This cycle continues until the damaging experiences become worse and worse.
This type of relationship falls into a downward spiral and is toxic. However, the one being hurt loves the person hurting them. They remain in the relationship because they want to believe the other will change; that their partner wants to and will get better; and most of all, because they feel guilty for even thinking about leaving the relationship. The partner might also “guilt-trip” the other, asking if the other person really loves them, reminding them that they said they would never leave, and so on. This is also unhealthy and manipulative.
This raises another question: why do people hurt others? In most cases, it isn’t intentional. Someone who repeatedly behaves in a way that is toxic to the relationship is struggling with internal battles. In times of clarity, they truly desire change from how they are behaving.
Insecurity and fear of abandonment are other reasons some people hurt others. In spite of knowing that they are repeatedly hurting their romantic partners, they cling because they cannot stand the idea of being without someone. These patterns are maladaptive and harmful to both partners involved.
The first step in fixing a toxic relationship is becoming aware of it. It is best for both partners in an emotionally or physically harmful relationship to seek professional help to return the relationship to a healthy state, or go separate ways. Maintaining an unhealthy relationship that suffers from frequent fights, manipulation, and harm will cause both partners’ well-being to diminish and cease from growing along a positive avenue.
The ones who are hurting others need to realize they must heal on their own and work towards a more positive lifestyle and relationship pattern. The partners being hurt have to find self-compassion and understand that they deserve better love, care, and understanding.

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Find Out If He's A Text Liar!

Have you ever been Texting with your crush and had a sneaking suspicion he wasn't being totally up front with you? Well, now there’s a scientific way to tell if he's lying—sort of.

A recent study from Brigham Young University found that when people are lying, it takes them 10 percent longer to respond to a text—and they make more edits than usual.
But since 10 percent isn’t a huge number, you may only be able to tell if something's up if your guy typically responds to Text instantly. (Past research has found that people are much more likely to lie via text than face-to-face.

Another way to catch someone in their lie: Just use your gut! BYU also found that humans can accurately detect a lie about 54 percent of the time. So rougly half the time, you already know when someone is lying!
Tell us: What methods do you use to sniff out if someone isn’t being totally honest via text? Do you have any sneaky tricks you swear by?

Sound off in the comments on how you spot a texting liar!

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8 Secrets to a Healthy and Happy Relationship

 

8 Secrets to a Healthy and Happy Relationship

Healthy and happy relationships keep people happy and help them deal with day-to-day issues and stress.
Studies show that people with healthy relationships are more positive and productive than others with bad relationships.

Here are some secrets to a healthy relationship:

#1 Have Realistic Expectations
People are different, and no one can be everything we want him/her to be. Your partner might have qualities you like and others you don't. They might even disappoint you at one point, but you have to accept your partner as he/she is.

#2 Communicate
Talk to each other! You need to be there for your partner when they need you. Listen carefully and don't ignore what they have to say. Show your interest and concern to their issues.

#3 Don’t Ignore Yourself
Taking care of yourself will help you feel better and therefore treat others better.

#4 Be Dependable
Men and women both need each other’s support. Make your partner feel they can rely on you whenever they need to.

#5 Find the Similarities
Surely you have similar qualities with your partner, but you also have a lot that makes you different!
Liking different things, having different interests, or simply not agreeing on something doesn't mean you are not right for each other; healthy relationships are based on understanding.
When you argue with your partner, don’t jump into everything that bothers you, stay focused on the current topic.

#6 Learn to Say I'm Sorry
Don't be afraid to apologize, you have to admit your mistakes in order to have a healthy relationship.

#7 Forgive
Don't hold grudges! You don't have to accept everything, but a healthy relationship means forgiving your partner's mistakes and hurts.

#8 Be Yourself
Be honest and true to yourself and your partner.

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How To refresh An Unsuccessful Relationship

How To refresh An Unsuccessful Relationship

o revive a relationship that is no longer working, can be a tall order. In some cases, it is either because both partners have completely given up on the relationship or that one of the partners had given up. In the former situation, it sounds both have agreed to disagree. In the latter case, say one partner still has some faith in it, and so the thought of a restoration is a silver lining. Even though there is hope of a restoration, the daunting task is how? We offer here 4 guidelines that may assist in the process.
Tip #1. Identify What You Must Not Do
You must not allow yourself to be side-tracked or bogged down by extraneous issues, no matter how juicy, important or urgent. Subjects that do not fit into your overall plan must be ejected like a virus. You'll not lose your focus or temper, no matter how tempting. Remember, it is easy to destroy, than to build. You may also resist the appeal to compare him or her with others, except with those whose behaviors have positive effect. While working with your plan, occasions may arise when there are phone calls, and he or she excused himself or herself to answer them. No qualms. No questions as to who placed the calls or what was discussed. They are of little consequence. So you notice right away that you're pretty much working within a restricted area.
Tip #2. Specify What You Can do
You are not omnipotent for sure. So you cannot do all things and be all things to your partner. That's an acceptable human limitation. You don't want to promise the moon. It may be good and reasonable to mute what are outside your ability to deliver. Emphasize those positive light things within reason to deliver. 'I plan to spend a week with your mother,' if you're a lady. 'When can you find time to be with my mother; she can't wait to see you', if you're a guy. As good as these are, they're probably not one of those great propositions at this time. We are all work-in-process. So also is any relationship. You can promise to be a better lover.
Tip #3. How To Take On The Area Of Concern
Don't rush to conclusion of the discussion because of its emotionally charged nature. It's emotional for both of you and the relationship. Navigate carefully with understanding as you would your car--softly, safely and smoothly. You want to restore it, not to the state it was prior to the decline or ruin, but to a better state of health and stability for both of you and the relationship. It's doable. That's a decision. The spirit with which this is embarked upon is important. You come, armed with a spirit of understanding, deliberation and openness. Don't allow any past misgivings color your tone of voice, emotion or sense of judgment.
Tip #4. Pin Down The Problem Area
You may face the temptation to either generalize or speak with tongue in cheek. Resist it. The nagging question(s) that led to a decline or ruin of the relationship, no matter how unpleasant, touchy or sensitive, can be talked through. Discourse is the name of the game. Many promising relationships have prematurely broken down, not because they didn't show clear signs of promise, but because discourse was often overlooked, neglected or both. What led to the breakdown of the relationship can be introduced with care. Work though it with understanding, consideration and thoughtfulness-and with a heart of negotiation and resolution.
Is your relationship stable, strong and promising? If not, we have valuable resources to help you build a strong and healthy relationship you would be proud to have. We invite you to visit us today at http://www.facebook.com/shoaib.mirza2 for these materials. You would be glad you did.

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Get Your Ex Back

By: Shoaib Mirza http://www.facebook.com/shoaib.mirza2

Let's face it... relationships are a mystery. You are certain that all things are working well. You are happy and content. Then without any hint, your partner drops the bomb. She is leaving you!
Why? You are clueless. What went wrong in the relationship? How can you save it? How can you get your ex back?
Of course, it is always best to prevent any relationship mishap. As medical professionals love to say, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure". But it is useless crying over spilled milk. What's done is done. What we need to do now is to find a way to get your ex back.
Getting your ex back requires a series of actions.
First, calm down. You were caught off-guard. You did not have any inkling that something is wrong with your relationship - that your girlfriend is no longer happy and is planning to dump you. You are in a state of shock and filled with mixed emotions. Calm down.
Second, think. What could have caused the break-up? Did your girlfriend find someone else? If yes, what attracted her to somebody else? Is your girlfriend unhappy with your sex life? Have you done something wrong? Were you misunderstood? Are you not communicating well? Did you forget any anniversaries? Is it money issue? Think and go back to the past especially moments when you had a fight.
Third, ask your ex. It is best if you can get your ex to talk and be honest with you. Make sure that you are able to handle the situation in a mature way. Tell her that you want to understand your mistakes and her being open to your failed relationship will help you process and move on. This mature talk is good for both you and your ex.
Fourth, process your thoughts and your conversation with your ex; be truthful and unbiased. This may be difficult for you but you need to face the truth to help you devise a solution to either get your ex back or move on.
Fifth, decide to proceed to get your ex back or move on. After a thorough investigation of past events in your relationship, decide if it is worthwhile to get your ex back or to move on. Do you still want her back? Are you willing to make some sacrifices? Are you willing to wait and be patient?
Sixth, take action. There are several proven ways to get your ex back and you are the best person to know what will work. Each and every break-up is unique; thus, requiring a unique solution.

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