Why Do We Help Those Who Hurt Us?

We have all felt the desire to help someone. Whether it is a friend, an acquaintance, a stranger, a family member or a significant other, we have wanted to help them in both small and grand ways. The reasons for this are many.
But why is it that in a situation where we get hurt countless times by the other person, we still suffer and struggle to help?
I asked anyone I knew who had personal experience with this… Why do we continue to help those who’ve hurt us? Their answers varied…

The majority of the answers were along the lines of:

• “to distract myself from my own problems”
• “because I wanted to be the reason they changed”
• “because I loved him”
• “because I believed that she could change”

I believe that the first and second responses have the same foundation: deep-rooted insecurity. When someone wants to distract herself from her own problems, she will latch on to someone else. By putting all of her energy into another person, she can avoid what is bothering her about herself. This is usually on a subconscious level, where the person doesn’t even realize that they are avoiding or feeding their own insecurities.
Sticking around because you want to “be the reason he or she changes” or the reason that he or she wants to change also validates insecurity. Everyone wants to feel loved, needed, and important. Those who are deeply insecure will seek this validation in unhealthy relationships instead of waiting for something more stable and healthy to come along.
The third and fourth responses also go hand in hand. They usually are the responses when the problems arise later on in a romantic relationship, or if it is a family member or dear friend. A relationship has the potential to gradually deteriorate, but early on, a sense of mutual love and caring has developed. The first few fights or damaging situations are always followed by promises of change and seemingly sincere apologies.
An example of this is when you find your significant other or closest friend abusing a drug that they said they wouldn’t use anymore. They react defensively and lash out at you. The next day, or even hours later, they cry and apologize profusely. This cycle continues until the damaging experiences become worse and worse.
This type of relationship falls into a downward spiral and is toxic. However, the one being hurt loves the person hurting them. They remain in the relationship because they want to believe the other will change; that their partner wants to and will get better; and most of all, because they feel guilty for even thinking about leaving the relationship. The partner might also “guilt-trip” the other, asking if the other person really loves them, reminding them that they said they would never leave, and so on. This is also unhealthy and manipulative.
This raises another question: why do people hurt others? In most cases, it isn’t intentional. Someone who repeatedly behaves in a way that is toxic to the relationship is struggling with internal battles. In times of clarity, they truly desire change from how they are behaving.
Insecurity and fear of abandonment are other reasons some people hurt others. In spite of knowing that they are repeatedly hurting their romantic partners, they cling because they cannot stand the idea of being without someone. These patterns are maladaptive and harmful to both partners involved.
The first step in fixing a toxic relationship is becoming aware of it. It is best for both partners in an emotionally or physically harmful relationship to seek professional help to return the relationship to a healthy state, or go separate ways. Maintaining an unhealthy relationship that suffers from frequent fights, manipulation, and harm will cause both partners’ well-being to diminish and cease from growing along a positive avenue.
The ones who are hurting others need to realize they must heal on their own and work towards a more positive lifestyle and relationship pattern. The partners being hurt have to find self-compassion and understand that they deserve better love, care, and understanding.

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A strong Women

By: Shoaib Mirza 

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A Beautiful Women

By: Shoaib Mirza

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Dress in Colour for Success

 Could something as simple as Colour be holding you back?

Have you ever walked into a friend’s new living room, looked at the cranberry red or vintage grey walls and thought, ’Great colour, but it’s not me’? Experts believe that this is because, apparently, we all have a particular colour palette that we belong to and feel our best in.
Even though we may not be consciously aware ocommunication and one that we can use to our advantage. The marketing industry certainly has, as picking the right colour is big business in product branding. Research reveals that it also has a significant impact on sport and choosing uniforms for teams as studies show that red-kitted teams actually experience more victories. So can dressing ourselves and homes in the right colour really have such a powerful effect on our mood, confidence and even our level of success?
f it, the language of colour is primal and has helped us understand much about the world around us. It’s very possible that the sight of a red traffic light evokes the same sense of caution it did in our ancestors when they saw those poisonous red berries. Historically, colour has been a strong mode of
According to colour expert Mandy Griffiths, the effect can be profound. In her former HR role, Mandy conducted many interviews and noticed the way candidates presented themselves. ‘They all wore the same black or grey suit and white shirt. There was nothing memorable in that,’ she says.
This is the reason Mandy believes colour is so special. ‘We’ve made colour less ordinary as many people choose to dress in neutral tones, yet people are more drawn to colours and particularly to the palette they belong to. By wearing a tone that innately lifts your mood, you look better, feel more confident and others will perceive this and respond to you more positively.’
Mandy believes that the reason we don’t go for the colours that suit us best inside and out is due to the interference of external influences such as fashion or our current environments. ‘It’s important, regardless of what colours seem to be in fashion, that you bring your own tones into what you wear,’ she says. ‘We all have styles that we aspire to but they don’t necessarily suit or flatter us. Many of my clients, for example, come in with a very specific idea of what colour palettes they want to belong to, but, on the wrong person, certain shades just don’t work. They can draw the colour out of their skin and make them look less energetic and vibrant.’
Our environment can also play a vital role. Mandy explains that it’s all about giving ourselves permission. ‘If the dominant tones in our working environment are grey, then grabbing attention with a bold colour can feel too daring. Or if a friend told us that red doesn’t really suit us, we might choose not wear it despite the fact that, in the right shade, it may be an amazing colour for us.’
Apparently, choosing our colours is a similar experience to choosing our home. Mandy says, ‘It’s all about what suits our personality and where we belong.
The colours we wish to express ourselves in reveal as much about our personalities and moods as the words we speak. So next time you want to dress for success and impress at that job interview or date, what colour would you wear?

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10 Reasons for you to SMILE every Morning

10 Reasons for you to SMILE every Morning

We all get busy and tangle ourselves in our miseries; forgetting everything we should be thankful for and everything God gave us. We look at the dark side of the sun and fail to see the bright light shining in our eyes! When the world turns off the light on you, read this and feel it glow again.

1. Be thankful for having eyes to read this; for some people in this world are not as healthy as you are!
2. Smile because you were one of the few people, who had the chance to learn something; who had the chance to go to school and make a good life for themselves.
3. Be happy for waking up this morning and getting another chance to get things right.
4. Embrace those who love you; there’s someone out there that thinks about you every day.
5. Look up every morning and thank God for giving you a roof over your head. Some people drown in rain every day.
6. Smile for being able to remember all the good and happy moments; smile for having joyous moments that outnumber your sorrows.
7. Thank God for clean water, healthy food, and peace in your country, because no matter how bad it is where you live, there’s someone out there that has it a hundred times worse.
8. Electricity, because we can’t live without that for even 15 minutes.
9. Appreciate the fact that you are FREE to do whatever you want to do, nothing can hold you down, people fought for your freedom, and the world is just a playground.
10. Smile because after every tear you cry, every pain you experience, and with every heart beat, God is working on a better plan for you anyway!

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8 Secrets to a Healthy and Happy Relationship

 

8 Secrets to a Healthy and Happy Relationship

Healthy and happy relationships keep people happy and help them deal with day-to-day issues and stress.
Studies show that people with healthy relationships are more positive and productive than others with bad relationships.

Here are some secrets to a healthy relationship:

#1 Have Realistic Expectations
People are different, and no one can be everything we want him/her to be. Your partner might have qualities you like and others you don't. They might even disappoint you at one point, but you have to accept your partner as he/she is.

#2 Communicate
Talk to each other! You need to be there for your partner when they need you. Listen carefully and don't ignore what they have to say. Show your interest and concern to their issues.

#3 Don’t Ignore Yourself
Taking care of yourself will help you feel better and therefore treat others better.

#4 Be Dependable
Men and women both need each other’s support. Make your partner feel they can rely on you whenever they need to.

#5 Find the Similarities
Surely you have similar qualities with your partner, but you also have a lot that makes you different!
Liking different things, having different interests, or simply not agreeing on something doesn't mean you are not right for each other; healthy relationships are based on understanding.
When you argue with your partner, don’t jump into everything that bothers you, stay focused on the current topic.

#6 Learn to Say I'm Sorry
Don't be afraid to apologize, you have to admit your mistakes in order to have a healthy relationship.

#7 Forgive
Don't hold grudges! You don't have to accept everything, but a healthy relationship means forgiving your partner's mistakes and hurts.

#8 Be Yourself
Be honest and true to yourself and your partner.

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THE ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP SCALE

THE ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP SCALE

The following statements concern opinions and feelings that you may hold toward another person. With respect to the member of the opposite sex with whom you are most involved at the present time (designated as X), indicate the extent to which you agree or disagree with each statement by writing in the number that best expresses your opinion or feeling according to the key below:

1 = Strongly disagree

2 = Moderately disagree

3 = Slightly disagree

4 = Slightly agree

5 = Moderately agree

6 = Strongly agree

1. X’s presence makes any activity more enjoyable.

2. X is close to my ideal as a person.

3. I am very lucky to be involved in a relationship with X.

4. I find myself wanting X when we’re not together.

5. My relationship with X has given my life more direction and purpose.

6. I spend more time thinking about my career than I do about X.

7. I’d be extremely depressed for a long time if my relationship with X were to end.

8. If I couldn’t have X, I’d easily find someone to replace X.

9. My relationship with X has made my life more worthwhile.

10. I don’t really need X.

11. I want X.

12. I am very dependent upon X.

13. I feel very proud to know X.

14. I want X to confide mostly in me.

15. I spend a great deal of time thinking about X.

16. I want X to tell me “I love you.”

17. I feel very secure in my relationship with X.

18. X is a rather mysterious person.

19. I often wonder how much X really cares for me.

20. Sometimes, I wish I didn’t care so much for X.

21. I worry that X doesn’t care as much for me as I do for X.

22. I have great difficulty trying to figure out X.

23. I have imagined conversations I would have with X.

24. I try to plan out what I want to say before talking to X.

25. X pays enough attention to me.

26. I feel uneasy if X is making friends with someone of the opposite sex.

27. I need X more than X needs me.

28. X has been the cause of some of my worst depressions.

29. My relationship with X is stable and quietly satisfying.

30. There is little conflict between X and myself.

31. I worry about losing X’s affection.

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Angelina Jolie's Double Mastectomy: Lessons to Be Learned

Angelina Jolie's Double Mastectomy: Lessons to Be Learned

Genetic testing is not always accurate.

“The Angelina Effect” [May 27] in Time Magazine details Angelina Jolie’s decision to have a double mastectomy.
The May 27th Time cover story, “The Angelina Effect” was well done. However, what was not covered in the media generally or in the article was the important fact that genetic testing may give false results. Both physicians and the public operate under the mistaken assumption that lab tests, and in particular genetic tests, are always accurate. In fact, they are not. This fact needs to find its way into the public debate around preventative mastectomies.
I have been using genetic testing for more than 17 years. Recently, a patient was tested at three different labs for a genetic variant which affects folic acid metabolism. One of the results was not consistent with the others; More than 5 months were spent wrangling with the errant lab, setting up a conference call (which the errant lab refused to join) with a nationally recognized pathologist and lab directors in order assess sources of the error. The samples were re-drawn, and different testing platforms were compared. This time, all the results were identical.
Unless Ms. Jolie’s genetic tests were repeated with a second blood sample, blindly (under a pseudonym), there is a small chance that they were falsely positive. What are the chances? We do not really know. According to a government document (1) due to patent restrictions, there is only one lab (Myriad Genetic Laboratories) which can perform the BRAC test, and the lab only provides a summary of its data. Based on only 73 samples, the risk of false positives was determined to be 0%. Considering the clinical ramifications of a false positive test, this is hardly robust documentation.
While Ms. Jolie may have had physicians who were thoughtful enough to run a blinded second sample, at more than $3000 per test, I doubt most women would be able to afford repeated testing, nor would it be considered. Genetic testing may not always be accurate and the ‘Angelina Effect’ needs to be tempered by that fact.

BY: SHOAIB MIRZA

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How To refresh An Unsuccessful Relationship

How To refresh An Unsuccessful Relationship

o revive a relationship that is no longer working, can be a tall order. In some cases, it is either because both partners have completely given up on the relationship or that one of the partners had given up. In the former situation, it sounds both have agreed to disagree. In the latter case, say one partner still has some faith in it, and so the thought of a restoration is a silver lining. Even though there is hope of a restoration, the daunting task is how? We offer here 4 guidelines that may assist in the process.
Tip #1. Identify What You Must Not Do
You must not allow yourself to be side-tracked or bogged down by extraneous issues, no matter how juicy, important or urgent. Subjects that do not fit into your overall plan must be ejected like a virus. You'll not lose your focus or temper, no matter how tempting. Remember, it is easy to destroy, than to build. You may also resist the appeal to compare him or her with others, except with those whose behaviors have positive effect. While working with your plan, occasions may arise when there are phone calls, and he or she excused himself or herself to answer them. No qualms. No questions as to who placed the calls or what was discussed. They are of little consequence. So you notice right away that you're pretty much working within a restricted area.
Tip #2. Specify What You Can do
You are not omnipotent for sure. So you cannot do all things and be all things to your partner. That's an acceptable human limitation. You don't want to promise the moon. It may be good and reasonable to mute what are outside your ability to deliver. Emphasize those positive light things within reason to deliver. 'I plan to spend a week with your mother,' if you're a lady. 'When can you find time to be with my mother; she can't wait to see you', if you're a guy. As good as these are, they're probably not one of those great propositions at this time. We are all work-in-process. So also is any relationship. You can promise to be a better lover.
Tip #3. How To Take On The Area Of Concern
Don't rush to conclusion of the discussion because of its emotionally charged nature. It's emotional for both of you and the relationship. Navigate carefully with understanding as you would your car--softly, safely and smoothly. You want to restore it, not to the state it was prior to the decline or ruin, but to a better state of health and stability for both of you and the relationship. It's doable. That's a decision. The spirit with which this is embarked upon is important. You come, armed with a spirit of understanding, deliberation and openness. Don't allow any past misgivings color your tone of voice, emotion or sense of judgment.
Tip #4. Pin Down The Problem Area
You may face the temptation to either generalize or speak with tongue in cheek. Resist it. The nagging question(s) that led to a decline or ruin of the relationship, no matter how unpleasant, touchy or sensitive, can be talked through. Discourse is the name of the game. Many promising relationships have prematurely broken down, not because they didn't show clear signs of promise, but because discourse was often overlooked, neglected or both. What led to the breakdown of the relationship can be introduced with care. Work though it with understanding, consideration and thoughtfulness-and with a heart of negotiation and resolution.
Is your relationship stable, strong and promising? If not, we have valuable resources to help you build a strong and healthy relationship you would be proud to have. We invite you to visit us today at http://www.facebook.com/shoaib.mirza2 for these materials. You would be glad you did.

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