Yes !...... You also can DO this

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Why Do We Help Those Who Hurt Us?

We have all felt the desire to help someone. Whether it is a friend, an acquaintance, a stranger, a family member or a significant other, we have wanted to help them in both small and grand ways. The reasons for this are many.
But why is it that in a situation where we get hurt countless times by the other person, we still suffer and struggle to help?
I asked anyone I knew who had personal experience with this… Why do we continue to help those who’ve hurt us? Their answers varied…

The majority of the answers were along the lines of:

• “to distract myself from my own problems”
• “because I wanted to be the reason they changed”
• “because I loved him”
• “because I believed that she could change”

I believe that the first and second responses have the same foundation: deep-rooted insecurity. When someone wants to distract herself from her own problems, she will latch on to someone else. By putting all of her energy into another person, she can avoid what is bothering her about herself. This is usually on a subconscious level, where the person doesn’t even realize that they are avoiding or feeding their own insecurities.
Sticking around because you want to “be the reason he or she changes” or the reason that he or she wants to change also validates insecurity. Everyone wants to feel loved, needed, and important. Those who are deeply insecure will seek this validation in unhealthy relationships instead of waiting for something more stable and healthy to come along.
The third and fourth responses also go hand in hand. They usually are the responses when the problems arise later on in a romantic relationship, or if it is a family member or dear friend. A relationship has the potential to gradually deteriorate, but early on, a sense of mutual love and caring has developed. The first few fights or damaging situations are always followed by promises of change and seemingly sincere apologies.
An example of this is when you find your significant other or closest friend abusing a drug that they said they wouldn’t use anymore. They react defensively and lash out at you. The next day, or even hours later, they cry and apologize profusely. This cycle continues until the damaging experiences become worse and worse.
This type of relationship falls into a downward spiral and is toxic. However, the one being hurt loves the person hurting them. They remain in the relationship because they want to believe the other will change; that their partner wants to and will get better; and most of all, because they feel guilty for even thinking about leaving the relationship. The partner might also “guilt-trip” the other, asking if the other person really loves them, reminding them that they said they would never leave, and so on. This is also unhealthy and manipulative.
This raises another question: why do people hurt others? In most cases, it isn’t intentional. Someone who repeatedly behaves in a way that is toxic to the relationship is struggling with internal battles. In times of clarity, they truly desire change from how they are behaving.
Insecurity and fear of abandonment are other reasons some people hurt others. In spite of knowing that they are repeatedly hurting their romantic partners, they cling because they cannot stand the idea of being without someone. These patterns are maladaptive and harmful to both partners involved.
The first step in fixing a toxic relationship is becoming aware of it. It is best for both partners in an emotionally or physically harmful relationship to seek professional help to return the relationship to a healthy state, or go separate ways. Maintaining an unhealthy relationship that suffers from frequent fights, manipulation, and harm will cause both partners’ well-being to diminish and cease from growing along a positive avenue.
The ones who are hurting others need to realize they must heal on their own and work towards a more positive lifestyle and relationship pattern. The partners being hurt have to find self-compassion and understand that they deserve better love, care, and understanding.

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Drone Causing Psychological Problem in PAKISTAN

 Drone Attack Vs Psychological Cause in PAKISTAN

 

By: Shoaib Mirza

Much of the debate on US drone strikes inside Pakistan revolves around the issue of its legality and violation of Pakistan’s sovereignty, however little deliberation is made with respect to psychological effects of this lethal weapon on innocent population. Talking over this aspect, Dr. Mukhtar-ul-Haq, head of Psychiatry Department at Peshawar’s Lady Reading Hospital, said that the rate of depression is really high in Waziristan while its residents complain of living in constant fear of drones that emit a terrifying buzzing sound over their heads. 

More recently, an AFP correspondent reported that Mohammed Khan, a resident of North Waziristan, lost his eye in a drone attack, “but the mental scarring has been even more traumatic”. He strongly emphasised that no one in the victim’s family was associated with militancy yet Mohammed Khan was forced to bear the consequences.

An increasing number of people living in the tribal areas are suffering from mental health problems such as depression, anxiety, phobia and panic attacks in the aftermath of drone attacks. Mental health professionals fear that people distressed by drone terror may develop long-term ramifications of psychological trauma that could cause malfunction in their lives. The fear induced by the knowledge that a drone attack could be looming in the sky creates an atmosphere of entrapment among inhabitants of remote areas. Many of these victims develop psychiatric figures such as post-traumatic stress disorder, emotional breakdowns, anticipatory anxiety, insomnia, high levels of stress and a profound sense of powerlessness, which are all manifestations of the poor quality of life.

Drone terror has also discouraged tribesmen from participating in daily activities like attending schools and engaging in commerce, further calling into question the long-term consequences of drone strikes on the stability of the region. Weddings, funerals and community meetings have all fallen prey to the drone menace while claiming lives of many innocent victims. Locals are often afraid to offer aid to victims in the aftermath of a strike because the drones continue to hover overhead. American drones have also targeted state sanctioned anti-Taliban Jirgas, like the one set up to solve a local dispute in Datta Khel in March 2011 where 53 people, including some tribal elders, were killed.

Drone attacks have not only inflicted psychological disorders to Pakistanis in the tribal region but these strikes are also having a devastating effect on victims in other regions across Afghanistan, Yemen and Somalia. Dr Peter Schaapveld, a clinical and forensic psychologist, conducted a study on the impact of drone strikes in Yemen and said the most disturbing impact of these drones was on children. His findings revealed that out of the 34 people he examined in clinics in the Aden region, 28 were suffering from full-blown post-traumatic stress disorder.

This immense psychological trauma may place America’s national security at further risk as resentment of drones victims and their families has increased in recent years. A terrorism expert views: “CIA is surely seeking to kill terrorists yet these drones are launched with full knowledge that civilians are likely to be killed along with the target.” Such disenchantment has attracted the interest of terror groups who recruit those seeking to fight back against the injustice they have suffered at the hands of the West.

Reportedly, al-Qaeda and TTP recruitment campaign witnessed a great upsurge as victims of drone attacks joined terrorists to avenge the Americans. The resultant grievances of local tribesmen have led majority of them to join hands with the terrorists, while others in anger and desperation developed negative sentiments towards the US and Pakistani law-enforcement agencies.

US officials say that the covert drone war in Pakistan involves surgical, pin-pointed strikes against known killers that cause few civilian casualties. However, the London-based Bureau of Investigative Journalism indicated that US drone strikes killed up to 3,581 people in Pakistan, including as many as 884 civilians and 197 children since 2004. Despite widespread condemnation, the US government remains bent upon its brutal drone strategy. Various former officials of Obama administration criticised the drone attacks, calling it a “violation of international human rights” which “abets our enemies and alienates our friends”.

A senior Pakistan foreign ministry official while talking to media said that the country was making all efforts to develop consensus at UN against the unilateral drone use for counter-terrorism operations in any country while expecting that the final UN report (use of drones on civilians) to be tabled before the General Assembly later this year would help to develop a consensus against the use of drones.

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The Problem with Labeling Children with a Psychological Disorder

 By: Shoaib Mirza

The way we label children who do poorly in school has taken a dramatic turn — in many ways for the better, in some ways for the worse.
In yesteryear, kids who didn’t perform well in school would have been labeled as no-good, lazy, defiant, incorrigible, or just plain stupid. They would be disciplined by being shamed, blamed, hit, scolded, punished, ridiculed or simply written off as hopeless cases.
Progress has been made. For the most part, we have eliminated such verbal and physical abuse. But we still must question the progress that’s been made when we replace the old labels with psychiatric diagnoses that refer to kids as ‘disordered’ or ‘disabled.’

Some of these “new and improved” labels include:

• Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD)
• Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD)
• Learning disabled (LD)

Even pervasive traits such as introversion can be labeled as “Shyness Disorder,” while “misbehaving” can be labeled “Conduct Disorder.”
So, what’s the alternative? To pretend that a kid has no issues?
This is not helpful either. What is helpful is to describe a child’s behavioral and learning problems in a descriptive manner, such as:

• Has a short attention span
• Always in motion
• Has a rebellious nature
• Learns better by doing than by reading

I prefer to envision a “can’t sit still, class clown” child as a budding Robin Williams with a unique personality rather than as a hyperactive kid who needs to be medicated.
I prefer to envision a dyslexic child as a potential Cher, Whoopi, or Warhol who will develop her unique talents in her idiosyncratic way rather than as a kid who is doomed to fail.
Some labels may indeed assist us in understanding a child’s problem. The danger, however, lies in the child becoming the diagnosis. Hence, Karl becomes an ADD child; not a child with ADD. Val becomes an LD child; not a child with a learning difficulty. Don’t think that little twist makes a difference? Think again.
Apply it to yourself. Let’s say you have trouble controlling your temper. Would you prefer to be labeled as an “impulse control disorder” or as one who would benefit from learning anger management skills?
Or perhaps you react dramatically when life presents you with the unexpected. Would you prefer to be labeled as a “histrionic personality disorder” or as one who would benefit from learning how to cope with the unexpected?
To label a child with a psychiatric diagnosis should be our last resort — especially when that diagnosis readily leads to a long-term dependency on psychiatric drugs that have sometimes-dangerous side effects. Taking a pill is easy. Alternative methods of dealing with difficult kids are slower and more complex. It may require altering parenting styles, learning environments, preconceived expectations, daily routines, diet, exercise, and allowing for increased physical activity.
This type of approach requires creativity, innovation and patience. Too bad that with our rush, rush, quick-fix world, so many of us find it difficult to slow down enough to restructure how we deal with a struggling child’s needs.

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A Better Way to Manage Performance At Work

 

 

 

What if Your Strengths Were Your Weaknesses? 

 

 Throughout my career I’ve had a working theory that strengths and weaknesses are not two different things that fall into separate categories the way corporate management and performance reviews suggest. Rather, it seems to me that they reflect one quality that expresses itself along a continuum consisting of  "great" on one end, and "not so much," on the other.

This realization put things into perspective for me real fast. At work, we quickly learn what we do well, and probably even sooner, we learn what our “areas for improvement” are. But think about the challenge inherent to developing your strengths if they are also your weaknesses. It requires completely changing the way you think about managing your career in general, and exploiting your talent specifically.
Let’s take communication as an example. I have always had very strong verbal skills. Many say it is the result of being dyslexic - that my ears and mouth compensated for my eyes and brain. I think that is probably true, although I also grew up in a home with extremely articulate parents who made a habit of discussing everything. So who knows?

The point is that I excelled in my career because of my communication skills. However, there were also times when I was told I was “over communicating.” It was getting in the way, slowing things down. At the time I thought, “Well, shoot. That’s what I do.” Communicate that is, not slow things down; at least that’s not how I saw it. But it was true. Too much of a good thing, at times, was no longer good.
You can take work ethic, attention to detail, analytical thinking, tenacity, creativity or anything else, and know that chances are good, as a strength, it has a weakness attached in a yin-yang sort of way.
I have given and received a lot of reviews and performance feedback over the years.  Rather than have two columns with strengths on one side and weaknesses on the other, why not have one line with a slider in the middle to help show people where they are on their own continuum?
What I find helpful about looking at job performance through this lens is that it provides employees with an opportunity to manage themselves using a perspective that is far less negative, and far more holistic, than the way evaluation is positioned today.

I hope you'll join me on:

 https://www.facebook.com/mypsychologymagazine

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10 Reasons for you to SMILE every Morning

10 Reasons for you to SMILE every Morning

We all get busy and tangle ourselves in our miseries; forgetting everything we should be thankful for and everything God gave us. We look at the dark side of the sun and fail to see the bright light shining in our eyes! When the world turns off the light on you, read this and feel it glow again.

1. Be thankful for having eyes to read this; for some people in this world are not as healthy as you are!
2. Smile because you were one of the few people, who had the chance to learn something; who had the chance to go to school and make a good life for themselves.
3. Be happy for waking up this morning and getting another chance to get things right.
4. Embrace those who love you; there’s someone out there that thinks about you every day.
5. Look up every morning and thank God for giving you a roof over your head. Some people drown in rain every day.
6. Smile for being able to remember all the good and happy moments; smile for having joyous moments that outnumber your sorrows.
7. Thank God for clean water, healthy food, and peace in your country, because no matter how bad it is where you live, there’s someone out there that has it a hundred times worse.
8. Electricity, because we can’t live without that for even 15 minutes.
9. Appreciate the fact that you are FREE to do whatever you want to do, nothing can hold you down, people fought for your freedom, and the world is just a playground.
10. Smile because after every tear you cry, every pain you experience, and with every heart beat, God is working on a better plan for you anyway!

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8 Secrets to a Healthy and Happy Relationship

 

8 Secrets to a Healthy and Happy Relationship

Healthy and happy relationships keep people happy and help them deal with day-to-day issues and stress.
Studies show that people with healthy relationships are more positive and productive than others with bad relationships.

Here are some secrets to a healthy relationship:

#1 Have Realistic Expectations
People are different, and no one can be everything we want him/her to be. Your partner might have qualities you like and others you don't. They might even disappoint you at one point, but you have to accept your partner as he/she is.

#2 Communicate
Talk to each other! You need to be there for your partner when they need you. Listen carefully and don't ignore what they have to say. Show your interest and concern to their issues.

#3 Don’t Ignore Yourself
Taking care of yourself will help you feel better and therefore treat others better.

#4 Be Dependable
Men and women both need each other’s support. Make your partner feel they can rely on you whenever they need to.

#5 Find the Similarities
Surely you have similar qualities with your partner, but you also have a lot that makes you different!
Liking different things, having different interests, or simply not agreeing on something doesn't mean you are not right for each other; healthy relationships are based on understanding.
When you argue with your partner, don’t jump into everything that bothers you, stay focused on the current topic.

#6 Learn to Say I'm Sorry
Don't be afraid to apologize, you have to admit your mistakes in order to have a healthy relationship.

#7 Forgive
Don't hold grudges! You don't have to accept everything, but a healthy relationship means forgiving your partner's mistakes and hurts.

#8 Be Yourself
Be honest and true to yourself and your partner.

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Psychological Problems of Pakistani Youth

Psychological Problems of Pakistani Youth

The 39 million youth of the country, an enormous figure by itself even numerically, has other than just career or educational problems. Youth is the period of time when all kinds of emotional, mental and physical problems surface. It is at this formative time they need attention and care for their sound development.
How a young man commits suicide because he was never able to discuss his problems with anyone was dramatized in a puppet show presented at the launch of YHL (Youth Help Line). Forced into marriage, he commits suicide because he had trust in the popular myth that adolescent onanism made one impotent. With no one to talk to and friends who only mocked him for his supposed incapability he decides to end his life to avoid embarrassment. This is not fiction says Rabia Manzoor Khan, coordinator of YHL, with boys and girls calling in with mostly psychosexual and psychological problems followed by academic and reproductive physiology difficulties.
‘We’ve had cases like that with severe depression and suicide attempts. It takes quite a few calls to clear their misunderstandings, it doesn’t go away in one call, these myths and misconceptions have been ingrained in them so they keep questioning, but with each call the anxiety and guilt is decreased,’ says Rabia.
The youth is reaching out for help and the need for counselling has finally been given a push towards institutionalization. An unprecedented system for youth counselling was set up by the trailblazing NGO called Rozan in 2001. They started with only a few phone lines but humbly admit that their project was not a product of their own ingeniousness rather a demand of the youth that they met. But the truth is that they are the only organization that has taken the most important initiative to address one of the very fundamental needs of the youth by providing youth counseling nationwide.
Till December 2008, YHL had received 28,471 counselling calls. Up till now the Youth Help line’s toll free number could have been accessed only from PTCL landline numbers with area codes of 05 and 09 that cover entire NWFP, Northern Areas and parts of Punjab. Owing to the increasing demand of young people (many of the callers call from other areas as well via mobiles on other landlines) as well as partner NGOs working with young people all over the country, to access this facility, the Help line’s outreach has been increased. Now young people, dialing from PTCL landlines from anywhere in Pakistan, can access the Help Line’s number free of cost, whereas young people using mobiles will have to pay the regular landline charges.
This is what some young callers said about this facility, ‘I felt so angry and upset when my mother died. YHL was there in my hour of need, just letting me talk and offload.’ Another young boy said, ‘When I was bullied at school for being overweight the YHL counsellor gave me the confidence to stand up for myself.’
Youth Help Line’s service is now available seven days a week from 10am to 8pm. Here trained psychologists provide counselling and information on a range of issues such as lack of self confidence, peer pressure, inability to deal with family dynamics and relationships, inability to cope with anger, information about sexual and reproductive health, bullying, child sexual abuse, sexual and physical violence etc. in complete confidentiality. The psychologists are all qualified. Nooria, a counsellor, has done her masters in developmental psychopathology (child and adolescent clinical psychology) from the National Institute of Psychology, Quaid-i-Azam University, Islamabad. ‘I joined ‘Rozan’ as an intern, did 4-months internship and then I joined as an assistant programme officer/psychologist. I went through a training process based on role-plays, reading meetings, listening to counselling calls of seasoned counsellors (especially on dealing with youth issues) and then I started counselling.’
Qualified counsellors’ treatment goes a long way. Their experienced help created this exceptional success story about a 15-year-old boy named Jamshed who called Youth Help Line from a remote area of NWFP. He took the benefits of YHL a step further by offering to be a long distance volunteer by sharing this service with other people from his town. For most young people who did not have a phone line in their areas he openly offered people to contact the Youth Help Line through his home line.
Young people especially women flock to his house to make use of an opportunity they didn’t have before. Unable to speak to him directly since YHL has strict confidentiality rules where they do not keep the contact of their callers, I was told he said in one of his phone calls to the YHL: ‘I feel so good about working with Youth Help Line and being able to provide some support to those around me.’
Rozan’s efforts can be seen as progress in terms of taking the youth seriously and providing services that will give the youth life long benefits of mental, emotional and physical well being … It also shows that there is someone who is listening to them.

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Psychological Problem in Pakistan

 Psychological Problem in Pakistan

 By: Shoaib Mirza
www.facebook.com/mypsychologymagazine

Psychological problems include illnesses such as schizophrenia, major depression, bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and anxiety disorders. With advancement in all fields, the field of psychology has also come a long way. With the increase in the daily stressors, the mental health is affected. There is an increase in the cases of psychological distress.

‘Distress’ refers to a patient’s state of discomfort, which is felt due to some illness. It might be acute or chronic. It is the discomfort, the patient feels during and after treatment (Ridner, 2004). Psychological distress includes sadness, frustration, anxiety, and a number of other negative mood states.
Negative mood state may be of multiple ways and the levels of severity for a particular problem vary from person to person. It may be transient or persistent. It is a normal reaction towards any trauma/adversity or towards any psychiatric problem.

Various stressors and medical or psychological illnesses are prominent factors for causing distress. When severe psychological distress becomes problematic, affecting the daily functioning (e.g. school, work, self- help etc.) of the individual. In less severe cases, the individual can cope well with the stress by taking proper rest, taking a break and indulging in constructive regular physical exercises.

Psychological distress is a serious problem for both the individual and the society. According to the viewpoint of scholars, for the creation of an ideal society, the individuals of the society must be free of anxiety, depression, irritability, and fears. The psychological distress may be healthy when it is not affecting the person’s life and when it is motivating for the person to take challenges. It becomes problematic for both the individual and the society when it prevails for a long period (Eid&Diener, 2004).

However, with the increase in the problems faced by people, yet many people of Pakistan are unaware of it and consider being mentally ill as a great stigma. When given the suggestion that the person needs psychological help, she/he denies any kind of problem. On the contrary, he considers the helping person as insane.

Moreover, there have been such cases when someone seeks help from a psychologist she/he is looked down upon. The taboo of being mentally unhealthy remains with him throughout his life. That is why such acts are largely discouraged in Pakistan. People think that clinical psychologists are mental people and make fun of them..

Overall, we can conclude that clinical psychologists are just people trying to help the others facing problems in everyday life due to any kind of stress that they are unable to cope with. In addition, people should be aware of and be able to accept the existence of psychological problems.

It is not a crime to take help from another person. People should be able to ask for help when they need it. From the Islamic point of view, it is a moral obligation to help oneself and to live a better and satisfied life.

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How To refresh An Unsuccessful Relationship

How To refresh An Unsuccessful Relationship

o revive a relationship that is no longer working, can be a tall order. In some cases, it is either because both partners have completely given up on the relationship or that one of the partners had given up. In the former situation, it sounds both have agreed to disagree. In the latter case, say one partner still has some faith in it, and so the thought of a restoration is a silver lining. Even though there is hope of a restoration, the daunting task is how? We offer here 4 guidelines that may assist in the process.
Tip #1. Identify What You Must Not Do
You must not allow yourself to be side-tracked or bogged down by extraneous issues, no matter how juicy, important or urgent. Subjects that do not fit into your overall plan must be ejected like a virus. You'll not lose your focus or temper, no matter how tempting. Remember, it is easy to destroy, than to build. You may also resist the appeal to compare him or her with others, except with those whose behaviors have positive effect. While working with your plan, occasions may arise when there are phone calls, and he or she excused himself or herself to answer them. No qualms. No questions as to who placed the calls or what was discussed. They are of little consequence. So you notice right away that you're pretty much working within a restricted area.
Tip #2. Specify What You Can do
You are not omnipotent for sure. So you cannot do all things and be all things to your partner. That's an acceptable human limitation. You don't want to promise the moon. It may be good and reasonable to mute what are outside your ability to deliver. Emphasize those positive light things within reason to deliver. 'I plan to spend a week with your mother,' if you're a lady. 'When can you find time to be with my mother; she can't wait to see you', if you're a guy. As good as these are, they're probably not one of those great propositions at this time. We are all work-in-process. So also is any relationship. You can promise to be a better lover.
Tip #3. How To Take On The Area Of Concern
Don't rush to conclusion of the discussion because of its emotionally charged nature. It's emotional for both of you and the relationship. Navigate carefully with understanding as you would your car--softly, safely and smoothly. You want to restore it, not to the state it was prior to the decline or ruin, but to a better state of health and stability for both of you and the relationship. It's doable. That's a decision. The spirit with which this is embarked upon is important. You come, armed with a spirit of understanding, deliberation and openness. Don't allow any past misgivings color your tone of voice, emotion or sense of judgment.
Tip #4. Pin Down The Problem Area
You may face the temptation to either generalize or speak with tongue in cheek. Resist it. The nagging question(s) that led to a decline or ruin of the relationship, no matter how unpleasant, touchy or sensitive, can be talked through. Discourse is the name of the game. Many promising relationships have prematurely broken down, not because they didn't show clear signs of promise, but because discourse was often overlooked, neglected or both. What led to the breakdown of the relationship can be introduced with care. Work though it with understanding, consideration and thoughtfulness-and with a heart of negotiation and resolution.
Is your relationship stable, strong and promising? If not, we have valuable resources to help you build a strong and healthy relationship you would be proud to have. We invite you to visit us today at http://www.facebook.com/shoaib.mirza2 for these materials. You would be glad you did.

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