Yes !...... You also can DO this

Read More

Why Do We Help Those Who Hurt Us?

We have all felt the desire to help someone. Whether it is a friend, an acquaintance, a stranger, a family member or a significant other, we have wanted to help them in both small and grand ways. The reasons for this are many.
But why is it that in a situation where we get hurt countless times by the other person, we still suffer and struggle to help?
I asked anyone I knew who had personal experience with this… Why do we continue to help those who’ve hurt us? Their answers varied…

The majority of the answers were along the lines of:

• “to distract myself from my own problems”
• “because I wanted to be the reason they changed”
• “because I loved him”
• “because I believed that she could change”

I believe that the first and second responses have the same foundation: deep-rooted insecurity. When someone wants to distract herself from her own problems, she will latch on to someone else. By putting all of her energy into another person, she can avoid what is bothering her about herself. This is usually on a subconscious level, where the person doesn’t even realize that they are avoiding or feeding their own insecurities.
Sticking around because you want to “be the reason he or she changes” or the reason that he or she wants to change also validates insecurity. Everyone wants to feel loved, needed, and important. Those who are deeply insecure will seek this validation in unhealthy relationships instead of waiting for something more stable and healthy to come along.
The third and fourth responses also go hand in hand. They usually are the responses when the problems arise later on in a romantic relationship, or if it is a family member or dear friend. A relationship has the potential to gradually deteriorate, but early on, a sense of mutual love and caring has developed. The first few fights or damaging situations are always followed by promises of change and seemingly sincere apologies.
An example of this is when you find your significant other or closest friend abusing a drug that they said they wouldn’t use anymore. They react defensively and lash out at you. The next day, or even hours later, they cry and apologize profusely. This cycle continues until the damaging experiences become worse and worse.
This type of relationship falls into a downward spiral and is toxic. However, the one being hurt loves the person hurting them. They remain in the relationship because they want to believe the other will change; that their partner wants to and will get better; and most of all, because they feel guilty for even thinking about leaving the relationship. The partner might also “guilt-trip” the other, asking if the other person really loves them, reminding them that they said they would never leave, and so on. This is also unhealthy and manipulative.
This raises another question: why do people hurt others? In most cases, it isn’t intentional. Someone who repeatedly behaves in a way that is toxic to the relationship is struggling with internal battles. In times of clarity, they truly desire change from how they are behaving.
Insecurity and fear of abandonment are other reasons some people hurt others. In spite of knowing that they are repeatedly hurting their romantic partners, they cling because they cannot stand the idea of being without someone. These patterns are maladaptive and harmful to both partners involved.
The first step in fixing a toxic relationship is becoming aware of it. It is best for both partners in an emotionally or physically harmful relationship to seek professional help to return the relationship to a healthy state, or go separate ways. Maintaining an unhealthy relationship that suffers from frequent fights, manipulation, and harm will cause both partners’ well-being to diminish and cease from growing along a positive avenue.
The ones who are hurting others need to realize they must heal on their own and work towards a more positive lifestyle and relationship pattern. The partners being hurt have to find self-compassion and understand that they deserve better love, care, and understanding.

Read More

Which Act will Lead People toward Hell ?

 

 

کس عمل کی وجہ سے لوگ جہنم میں زیادہ جائیں گے؟

ابو ہریرہ رضی اللہ عنہ سے مروی ہے کہ رسول اللہ صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم سے پوچھا گیاکہ کس عمل کی وجہ سے لوگ جنت میں زیادہ جائیں گے ؟آپ صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم نے فرمایا:''اللہ کا تقو اور حسن خلق'اورپوچھا گیاکہ کس عمل کی وجہ سے لوگ جہنم میں زیادہ جائیں گے؟
آپ صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم نے فرمایا:منہ اور شرمگاہ''
(سنن ترمذی کتاب البر والصلةباب:٦٢ حدیث:٢٠٠٤)

اللہ تعالی ہم سب مسلمین کوزبان کی آفتوں سے محفوظ رکھے آمین۔

Read More

Drone Causing Psychological Problem in PAKISTAN

 Drone Attack Vs Psychological Cause in PAKISTAN

 

By: Shoaib Mirza

Much of the debate on US drone strikes inside Pakistan revolves around the issue of its legality and violation of Pakistan’s sovereignty, however little deliberation is made with respect to psychological effects of this lethal weapon on innocent population. Talking over this aspect, Dr. Mukhtar-ul-Haq, head of Psychiatry Department at Peshawar’s Lady Reading Hospital, said that the rate of depression is really high in Waziristan while its residents complain of living in constant fear of drones that emit a terrifying buzzing sound over their heads. 

More recently, an AFP correspondent reported that Mohammed Khan, a resident of North Waziristan, lost his eye in a drone attack, “but the mental scarring has been even more traumatic”. He strongly emphasised that no one in the victim’s family was associated with militancy yet Mohammed Khan was forced to bear the consequences.

An increasing number of people living in the tribal areas are suffering from mental health problems such as depression, anxiety, phobia and panic attacks in the aftermath of drone attacks. Mental health professionals fear that people distressed by drone terror may develop long-term ramifications of psychological trauma that could cause malfunction in their lives. The fear induced by the knowledge that a drone attack could be looming in the sky creates an atmosphere of entrapment among inhabitants of remote areas. Many of these victims develop psychiatric figures such as post-traumatic stress disorder, emotional breakdowns, anticipatory anxiety, insomnia, high levels of stress and a profound sense of powerlessness, which are all manifestations of the poor quality of life.

Drone terror has also discouraged tribesmen from participating in daily activities like attending schools and engaging in commerce, further calling into question the long-term consequences of drone strikes on the stability of the region. Weddings, funerals and community meetings have all fallen prey to the drone menace while claiming lives of many innocent victims. Locals are often afraid to offer aid to victims in the aftermath of a strike because the drones continue to hover overhead. American drones have also targeted state sanctioned anti-Taliban Jirgas, like the one set up to solve a local dispute in Datta Khel in March 2011 where 53 people, including some tribal elders, were killed.

Drone attacks have not only inflicted psychological disorders to Pakistanis in the tribal region but these strikes are also having a devastating effect on victims in other regions across Afghanistan, Yemen and Somalia. Dr Peter Schaapveld, a clinical and forensic psychologist, conducted a study on the impact of drone strikes in Yemen and said the most disturbing impact of these drones was on children. His findings revealed that out of the 34 people he examined in clinics in the Aden region, 28 were suffering from full-blown post-traumatic stress disorder.

This immense psychological trauma may place America’s national security at further risk as resentment of drones victims and their families has increased in recent years. A terrorism expert views: “CIA is surely seeking to kill terrorists yet these drones are launched with full knowledge that civilians are likely to be killed along with the target.” Such disenchantment has attracted the interest of terror groups who recruit those seeking to fight back against the injustice they have suffered at the hands of the West.

Reportedly, al-Qaeda and TTP recruitment campaign witnessed a great upsurge as victims of drone attacks joined terrorists to avenge the Americans. The resultant grievances of local tribesmen have led majority of them to join hands with the terrorists, while others in anger and desperation developed negative sentiments towards the US and Pakistani law-enforcement agencies.

US officials say that the covert drone war in Pakistan involves surgical, pin-pointed strikes against known killers that cause few civilian casualties. However, the London-based Bureau of Investigative Journalism indicated that US drone strikes killed up to 3,581 people in Pakistan, including as many as 884 civilians and 197 children since 2004. Despite widespread condemnation, the US government remains bent upon its brutal drone strategy. Various former officials of Obama administration criticised the drone attacks, calling it a “violation of international human rights” which “abets our enemies and alienates our friends”.

A senior Pakistan foreign ministry official while talking to media said that the country was making all efforts to develop consensus at UN against the unilateral drone use for counter-terrorism operations in any country while expecting that the final UN report (use of drones on civilians) to be tabled before the General Assembly later this year would help to develop a consensus against the use of drones.

Read More

The Noble Qur'an - Surat Al-Qiyamah [75:2]

By: Shoaib Mirza

For More,
Counseling Center
My Psychology Magazine

Read More

Change The Life

If you want to know that True Fact about Life click here

Read More

The Problem with Labeling Children with a Psychological Disorder

 By: Shoaib Mirza

The way we label children who do poorly in school has taken a dramatic turn — in many ways for the better, in some ways for the worse.
In yesteryear, kids who didn’t perform well in school would have been labeled as no-good, lazy, defiant, incorrigible, or just plain stupid. They would be disciplined by being shamed, blamed, hit, scolded, punished, ridiculed or simply written off as hopeless cases.
Progress has been made. For the most part, we have eliminated such verbal and physical abuse. But we still must question the progress that’s been made when we replace the old labels with psychiatric diagnoses that refer to kids as ‘disordered’ or ‘disabled.’

Some of these “new and improved” labels include:

• Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD)
• Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD)
• Learning disabled (LD)

Even pervasive traits such as introversion can be labeled as “Shyness Disorder,” while “misbehaving” can be labeled “Conduct Disorder.”
So, what’s the alternative? To pretend that a kid has no issues?
This is not helpful either. What is helpful is to describe a child’s behavioral and learning problems in a descriptive manner, such as:

• Has a short attention span
• Always in motion
• Has a rebellious nature
• Learns better by doing than by reading

I prefer to envision a “can’t sit still, class clown” child as a budding Robin Williams with a unique personality rather than as a hyperactive kid who needs to be medicated.
I prefer to envision a dyslexic child as a potential Cher, Whoopi, or Warhol who will develop her unique talents in her idiosyncratic way rather than as a kid who is doomed to fail.
Some labels may indeed assist us in understanding a child’s problem. The danger, however, lies in the child becoming the diagnosis. Hence, Karl becomes an ADD child; not a child with ADD. Val becomes an LD child; not a child with a learning difficulty. Don’t think that little twist makes a difference? Think again.
Apply it to yourself. Let’s say you have trouble controlling your temper. Would you prefer to be labeled as an “impulse control disorder” or as one who would benefit from learning anger management skills?
Or perhaps you react dramatically when life presents you with the unexpected. Would you prefer to be labeled as a “histrionic personality disorder” or as one who would benefit from learning how to cope with the unexpected?
To label a child with a psychiatric diagnosis should be our last resort — especially when that diagnosis readily leads to a long-term dependency on psychiatric drugs that have sometimes-dangerous side effects. Taking a pill is easy. Alternative methods of dealing with difficult kids are slower and more complex. It may require altering parenting styles, learning environments, preconceived expectations, daily routines, diet, exercise, and allowing for increased physical activity.
This type of approach requires creativity, innovation and patience. Too bad that with our rush, rush, quick-fix world, so many of us find it difficult to slow down enough to restructure how we deal with a struggling child’s needs.

Read More

Psychological Problems of Pakistani Youth

Psychological Problems of Pakistani Youth

The 39 million youth of the country, an enormous figure by itself even numerically, has other than just career or educational problems. Youth is the period of time when all kinds of emotional, mental and physical problems surface. It is at this formative time they need attention and care for their sound development.
How a young man commits suicide because he was never able to discuss his problems with anyone was dramatized in a puppet show presented at the launch of YHL (Youth Help Line). Forced into marriage, he commits suicide because he had trust in the popular myth that adolescent onanism made one impotent. With no one to talk to and friends who only mocked him for his supposed incapability he decides to end his life to avoid embarrassment. This is not fiction says Rabia Manzoor Khan, coordinator of YHL, with boys and girls calling in with mostly psychosexual and psychological problems followed by academic and reproductive physiology difficulties.
‘We’ve had cases like that with severe depression and suicide attempts. It takes quite a few calls to clear their misunderstandings, it doesn’t go away in one call, these myths and misconceptions have been ingrained in them so they keep questioning, but with each call the anxiety and guilt is decreased,’ says Rabia.
The youth is reaching out for help and the need for counselling has finally been given a push towards institutionalization. An unprecedented system for youth counselling was set up by the trailblazing NGO called Rozan in 2001. They started with only a few phone lines but humbly admit that their project was not a product of their own ingeniousness rather a demand of the youth that they met. But the truth is that they are the only organization that has taken the most important initiative to address one of the very fundamental needs of the youth by providing youth counseling nationwide.
Till December 2008, YHL had received 28,471 counselling calls. Up till now the Youth Help line’s toll free number could have been accessed only from PTCL landline numbers with area codes of 05 and 09 that cover entire NWFP, Northern Areas and parts of Punjab. Owing to the increasing demand of young people (many of the callers call from other areas as well via mobiles on other landlines) as well as partner NGOs working with young people all over the country, to access this facility, the Help line’s outreach has been increased. Now young people, dialing from PTCL landlines from anywhere in Pakistan, can access the Help Line’s number free of cost, whereas young people using mobiles will have to pay the regular landline charges.
This is what some young callers said about this facility, ‘I felt so angry and upset when my mother died. YHL was there in my hour of need, just letting me talk and offload.’ Another young boy said, ‘When I was bullied at school for being overweight the YHL counsellor gave me the confidence to stand up for myself.’
Youth Help Line’s service is now available seven days a week from 10am to 8pm. Here trained psychologists provide counselling and information on a range of issues such as lack of self confidence, peer pressure, inability to deal with family dynamics and relationships, inability to cope with anger, information about sexual and reproductive health, bullying, child sexual abuse, sexual and physical violence etc. in complete confidentiality. The psychologists are all qualified. Nooria, a counsellor, has done her masters in developmental psychopathology (child and adolescent clinical psychology) from the National Institute of Psychology, Quaid-i-Azam University, Islamabad. ‘I joined ‘Rozan’ as an intern, did 4-months internship and then I joined as an assistant programme officer/psychologist. I went through a training process based on role-plays, reading meetings, listening to counselling calls of seasoned counsellors (especially on dealing with youth issues) and then I started counselling.’
Qualified counsellors’ treatment goes a long way. Their experienced help created this exceptional success story about a 15-year-old boy named Jamshed who called Youth Help Line from a remote area of NWFP. He took the benefits of YHL a step further by offering to be a long distance volunteer by sharing this service with other people from his town. For most young people who did not have a phone line in their areas he openly offered people to contact the Youth Help Line through his home line.
Young people especially women flock to his house to make use of an opportunity they didn’t have before. Unable to speak to him directly since YHL has strict confidentiality rules where they do not keep the contact of their callers, I was told he said in one of his phone calls to the YHL: ‘I feel so good about working with Youth Help Line and being able to provide some support to those around me.’
Rozan’s efforts can be seen as progress in terms of taking the youth seriously and providing services that will give the youth life long benefits of mental, emotional and physical well being … It also shows that there is someone who is listening to them.

Read More

THE ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP SCALE

THE ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP SCALE

The following statements concern opinions and feelings that you may hold toward another person. With respect to the member of the opposite sex with whom you are most involved at the present time (designated as X), indicate the extent to which you agree or disagree with each statement by writing in the number that best expresses your opinion or feeling according to the key below:

1 = Strongly disagree

2 = Moderately disagree

3 = Slightly disagree

4 = Slightly agree

5 = Moderately agree

6 = Strongly agree

1. X’s presence makes any activity more enjoyable.

2. X is close to my ideal as a person.

3. I am very lucky to be involved in a relationship with X.

4. I find myself wanting X when we’re not together.

5. My relationship with X has given my life more direction and purpose.

6. I spend more time thinking about my career than I do about X.

7. I’d be extremely depressed for a long time if my relationship with X were to end.

8. If I couldn’t have X, I’d easily find someone to replace X.

9. My relationship with X has made my life more worthwhile.

10. I don’t really need X.

11. I want X.

12. I am very dependent upon X.

13. I feel very proud to know X.

14. I want X to confide mostly in me.

15. I spend a great deal of time thinking about X.

16. I want X to tell me “I love you.”

17. I feel very secure in my relationship with X.

18. X is a rather mysterious person.

19. I often wonder how much X really cares for me.

20. Sometimes, I wish I didn’t care so much for X.

21. I worry that X doesn’t care as much for me as I do for X.

22. I have great difficulty trying to figure out X.

23. I have imagined conversations I would have with X.

24. I try to plan out what I want to say before talking to X.

25. X pays enough attention to me.

26. I feel uneasy if X is making friends with someone of the opposite sex.

27. I need X more than X needs me.

28. X has been the cause of some of my worst depressions.

29. My relationship with X is stable and quietly satisfying.

30. There is little conflict between X and myself.

31. I worry about losing X’s affection.

Read More

Psychological Problem in Pakistan

 Psychological Problem in Pakistan

 By: Shoaib Mirza
www.facebook.com/mypsychologymagazine

Psychological problems include illnesses such as schizophrenia, major depression, bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and anxiety disorders. With advancement in all fields, the field of psychology has also come a long way. With the increase in the daily stressors, the mental health is affected. There is an increase in the cases of psychological distress.

‘Distress’ refers to a patient’s state of discomfort, which is felt due to some illness. It might be acute or chronic. It is the discomfort, the patient feels during and after treatment (Ridner, 2004). Psychological distress includes sadness, frustration, anxiety, and a number of other negative mood states.
Negative mood state may be of multiple ways and the levels of severity for a particular problem vary from person to person. It may be transient or persistent. It is a normal reaction towards any trauma/adversity or towards any psychiatric problem.

Various stressors and medical or psychological illnesses are prominent factors for causing distress. When severe psychological distress becomes problematic, affecting the daily functioning (e.g. school, work, self- help etc.) of the individual. In less severe cases, the individual can cope well with the stress by taking proper rest, taking a break and indulging in constructive regular physical exercises.

Psychological distress is a serious problem for both the individual and the society. According to the viewpoint of scholars, for the creation of an ideal society, the individuals of the society must be free of anxiety, depression, irritability, and fears. The psychological distress may be healthy when it is not affecting the person’s life and when it is motivating for the person to take challenges. It becomes problematic for both the individual and the society when it prevails for a long period (Eid&Diener, 2004).

However, with the increase in the problems faced by people, yet many people of Pakistan are unaware of it and consider being mentally ill as a great stigma. When given the suggestion that the person needs psychological help, she/he denies any kind of problem. On the contrary, he considers the helping person as insane.

Moreover, there have been such cases when someone seeks help from a psychologist she/he is looked down upon. The taboo of being mentally unhealthy remains with him throughout his life. That is why such acts are largely discouraged in Pakistan. People think that clinical psychologists are mental people and make fun of them..

Overall, we can conclude that clinical psychologists are just people trying to help the others facing problems in everyday life due to any kind of stress that they are unable to cope with. In addition, people should be aware of and be able to accept the existence of psychological problems.

It is not a crime to take help from another person. People should be able to ask for help when they need it. From the Islamic point of view, it is a moral obligation to help oneself and to live a better and satisfied life.

Read More

Personal Counseling from Prophet Muhammad

Personal Counseling from Prophet Muhammad

One day a stranger came nearby Prophet Muhammad(sav) and asked him “I have some questions for you regarding this world and life after”. He replied : “Ask whatever you want”

After that, the following dialogue took place between the stranger and Rasulullah(sav)

Man: I want to be the richest among the men

Rasulullah(sav) : Only if you can be content with what you have

I want to be the most beneficial among men

The most beneficial among men is whom is most beneficial to human beings, so you be beneficial to people

I want to be the most equitable among men

You can be the most equitable among men if you want for others what you want for yourself

I want to be the closest to Allah among men and be one of is royal, favorable slaves

If you remember him frequently you will be one of his favorable slaves

I want to be among the muhseen, the ones who do good deeds.

Worship him knowing that He sees you, He sees you even if you don’t see Him

I want to bring my faith into maturity

If you have good ethical manners, your faith will bring into maturity

I want to be bathed in light when I’m resurrected on the judgement day

Don’t oppress any one, you will be bathed in light when you are resurrected

I want to be the most compassionate among men

First show compassion for yourself and than for others, so that Allah(j.j) will show mercy for you

I want my sins to diminish

If you pray and beseech to Allah(j.j) for you sins, He will diminish your sins

I want to be the most generous among men

If you don’t complain about people to Allah(j.j), you will be the most generous among men

I want my livelihood to be abundant

If you keep on being clean, you’ll have abundant livelihood

I want to be loved by Allah(j.j) and his Rasulullah(sav)

Then, love what Allah(j.j) and his Rasulullah(sav) loves and don’t love what they don’t love

I want protection from Allah’s(j.j) wrath

Then, show no anger to any one, you’ll be safe from his wrath

I want my prayers be answered

Then, stay away from harams.

I don’t want Allah(j.j) to make be embarrassed among men

Then, protect your honor and dignity so you won’t be embarrassed among men

I want Allah(j.j) to hide my faults and defects

Hide your brothers’ faults and defects so Allah(j.j) will hide yours too

What will wash away my sins?

Your tears, your respectful compliance to Allah(j.j) and illness

Which deed has more virtue for Allah(j.j)?

Good ethics, humility, patience over calamities and accepting fate

What is the biggest sin for Allah(j.j)?

Bad ethics and showing parsimony and being reluctant for his commands

What soothes Allah’s(j.j) wrath, who is the most compassionate?

Giving away charity that is hidden from public and visiting relatives

Read More

How To refresh An Unsuccessful Relationship

How To refresh An Unsuccessful Relationship

o revive a relationship that is no longer working, can be a tall order. In some cases, it is either because both partners have completely given up on the relationship or that one of the partners had given up. In the former situation, it sounds both have agreed to disagree. In the latter case, say one partner still has some faith in it, and so the thought of a restoration is a silver lining. Even though there is hope of a restoration, the daunting task is how? We offer here 4 guidelines that may assist in the process.
Tip #1. Identify What You Must Not Do
You must not allow yourself to be side-tracked or bogged down by extraneous issues, no matter how juicy, important or urgent. Subjects that do not fit into your overall plan must be ejected like a virus. You'll not lose your focus or temper, no matter how tempting. Remember, it is easy to destroy, than to build. You may also resist the appeal to compare him or her with others, except with those whose behaviors have positive effect. While working with your plan, occasions may arise when there are phone calls, and he or she excused himself or herself to answer them. No qualms. No questions as to who placed the calls or what was discussed. They are of little consequence. So you notice right away that you're pretty much working within a restricted area.
Tip #2. Specify What You Can do
You are not omnipotent for sure. So you cannot do all things and be all things to your partner. That's an acceptable human limitation. You don't want to promise the moon. It may be good and reasonable to mute what are outside your ability to deliver. Emphasize those positive light things within reason to deliver. 'I plan to spend a week with your mother,' if you're a lady. 'When can you find time to be with my mother; she can't wait to see you', if you're a guy. As good as these are, they're probably not one of those great propositions at this time. We are all work-in-process. So also is any relationship. You can promise to be a better lover.
Tip #3. How To Take On The Area Of Concern
Don't rush to conclusion of the discussion because of its emotionally charged nature. It's emotional for both of you and the relationship. Navigate carefully with understanding as you would your car--softly, safely and smoothly. You want to restore it, not to the state it was prior to the decline or ruin, but to a better state of health and stability for both of you and the relationship. It's doable. That's a decision. The spirit with which this is embarked upon is important. You come, armed with a spirit of understanding, deliberation and openness. Don't allow any past misgivings color your tone of voice, emotion or sense of judgment.
Tip #4. Pin Down The Problem Area
You may face the temptation to either generalize or speak with tongue in cheek. Resist it. The nagging question(s) that led to a decline or ruin of the relationship, no matter how unpleasant, touchy or sensitive, can be talked through. Discourse is the name of the game. Many promising relationships have prematurely broken down, not because they didn't show clear signs of promise, but because discourse was often overlooked, neglected or both. What led to the breakdown of the relationship can be introduced with care. Work though it with understanding, consideration and thoughtfulness-and with a heart of negotiation and resolution.
Is your relationship stable, strong and promising? If not, we have valuable resources to help you build a strong and healthy relationship you would be proud to have. We invite you to visit us today at http://www.facebook.com/shoaib.mirza2 for these materials. You would be glad you did.

Read More