Yes !...... You also can DO this

Read More

Why Do We Help Those Who Hurt Us?

We have all felt the desire to help someone. Whether it is a friend, an acquaintance, a stranger, a family member or a significant other, we have wanted to help them in both small and grand ways. The reasons for this are many.
But why is it that in a situation where we get hurt countless times by the other person, we still suffer and struggle to help?
I asked anyone I knew who had personal experience with this… Why do we continue to help those who’ve hurt us? Their answers varied…

The majority of the answers were along the lines of:

• “to distract myself from my own problems”
• “because I wanted to be the reason they changed”
• “because I loved him”
• “because I believed that she could change”

I believe that the first and second responses have the same foundation: deep-rooted insecurity. When someone wants to distract herself from her own problems, she will latch on to someone else. By putting all of her energy into another person, she can avoid what is bothering her about herself. This is usually on a subconscious level, where the person doesn’t even realize that they are avoiding or feeding their own insecurities.
Sticking around because you want to “be the reason he or she changes” or the reason that he or she wants to change also validates insecurity. Everyone wants to feel loved, needed, and important. Those who are deeply insecure will seek this validation in unhealthy relationships instead of waiting for something more stable and healthy to come along.
The third and fourth responses also go hand in hand. They usually are the responses when the problems arise later on in a romantic relationship, or if it is a family member or dear friend. A relationship has the potential to gradually deteriorate, but early on, a sense of mutual love and caring has developed. The first few fights or damaging situations are always followed by promises of change and seemingly sincere apologies.
An example of this is when you find your significant other or closest friend abusing a drug that they said they wouldn’t use anymore. They react defensively and lash out at you. The next day, or even hours later, they cry and apologize profusely. This cycle continues until the damaging experiences become worse and worse.
This type of relationship falls into a downward spiral and is toxic. However, the one being hurt loves the person hurting them. They remain in the relationship because they want to believe the other will change; that their partner wants to and will get better; and most of all, because they feel guilty for even thinking about leaving the relationship. The partner might also “guilt-trip” the other, asking if the other person really loves them, reminding them that they said they would never leave, and so on. This is also unhealthy and manipulative.
This raises another question: why do people hurt others? In most cases, it isn’t intentional. Someone who repeatedly behaves in a way that is toxic to the relationship is struggling with internal battles. In times of clarity, they truly desire change from how they are behaving.
Insecurity and fear of abandonment are other reasons some people hurt others. In spite of knowing that they are repeatedly hurting their romantic partners, they cling because they cannot stand the idea of being without someone. These patterns are maladaptive and harmful to both partners involved.
The first step in fixing a toxic relationship is becoming aware of it. It is best for both partners in an emotionally or physically harmful relationship to seek professional help to return the relationship to a healthy state, or go separate ways. Maintaining an unhealthy relationship that suffers from frequent fights, manipulation, and harm will cause both partners’ well-being to diminish and cease from growing along a positive avenue.
The ones who are hurting others need to realize they must heal on their own and work towards a more positive lifestyle and relationship pattern. The partners being hurt have to find self-compassion and understand that they deserve better love, care, and understanding.

Read More

Find Out If He's A Text Liar!

Have you ever been Texting with your crush and had a sneaking suspicion he wasn't being totally up front with you? Well, now there’s a scientific way to tell if he's lying—sort of.

A recent study from Brigham Young University found that when people are lying, it takes them 10 percent longer to respond to a text—and they make more edits than usual.
But since 10 percent isn’t a huge number, you may only be able to tell if something's up if your guy typically responds to Text instantly. (Past research has found that people are much more likely to lie via text than face-to-face.

Another way to catch someone in their lie: Just use your gut! BYU also found that humans can accurately detect a lie about 54 percent of the time. So rougly half the time, you already know when someone is lying!
Tell us: What methods do you use to sniff out if someone isn’t being totally honest via text? Do you have any sneaky tricks you swear by?

Sound off in the comments on how you spot a texting liar!

Follow us: https://www.facebook.com/mypsychologymagazine

Read More

A Better Way to Manage Performance At Work

 

 

 

What if Your Strengths Were Your Weaknesses? 

 

 Throughout my career I’ve had a working theory that strengths and weaknesses are not two different things that fall into separate categories the way corporate management and performance reviews suggest. Rather, it seems to me that they reflect one quality that expresses itself along a continuum consisting of  "great" on one end, and "not so much," on the other.

This realization put things into perspective for me real fast. At work, we quickly learn what we do well, and probably even sooner, we learn what our “areas for improvement” are. But think about the challenge inherent to developing your strengths if they are also your weaknesses. It requires completely changing the way you think about managing your career in general, and exploiting your talent specifically.
Let’s take communication as an example. I have always had very strong verbal skills. Many say it is the result of being dyslexic - that my ears and mouth compensated for my eyes and brain. I think that is probably true, although I also grew up in a home with extremely articulate parents who made a habit of discussing everything. So who knows?

The point is that I excelled in my career because of my communication skills. However, there were also times when I was told I was “over communicating.” It was getting in the way, slowing things down. At the time I thought, “Well, shoot. That’s what I do.” Communicate that is, not slow things down; at least that’s not how I saw it. But it was true. Too much of a good thing, at times, was no longer good.
You can take work ethic, attention to detail, analytical thinking, tenacity, creativity or anything else, and know that chances are good, as a strength, it has a weakness attached in a yin-yang sort of way.
I have given and received a lot of reviews and performance feedback over the years.  Rather than have two columns with strengths on one side and weaknesses on the other, why not have one line with a slider in the middle to help show people where they are on their own continuum?
What I find helpful about looking at job performance through this lens is that it provides employees with an opportunity to manage themselves using a perspective that is far less negative, and far more holistic, than the way evaluation is positioned today.

I hope you'll join me on:

 https://www.facebook.com/mypsychologymagazine

Read More

Dress in Colour for Success

 Could something as simple as Colour be holding you back?

Have you ever walked into a friend’s new living room, looked at the cranberry red or vintage grey walls and thought, ’Great colour, but it’s not me’? Experts believe that this is because, apparently, we all have a particular colour palette that we belong to and feel our best in.
Even though we may not be consciously aware ocommunication and one that we can use to our advantage. The marketing industry certainly has, as picking the right colour is big business in product branding. Research reveals that it also has a significant impact on sport and choosing uniforms for teams as studies show that red-kitted teams actually experience more victories. So can dressing ourselves and homes in the right colour really have such a powerful effect on our mood, confidence and even our level of success?
f it, the language of colour is primal and has helped us understand much about the world around us. It’s very possible that the sight of a red traffic light evokes the same sense of caution it did in our ancestors when they saw those poisonous red berries. Historically, colour has been a strong mode of
According to colour expert Mandy Griffiths, the effect can be profound. In her former HR role, Mandy conducted many interviews and noticed the way candidates presented themselves. ‘They all wore the same black or grey suit and white shirt. There was nothing memorable in that,’ she says.
This is the reason Mandy believes colour is so special. ‘We’ve made colour less ordinary as many people choose to dress in neutral tones, yet people are more drawn to colours and particularly to the palette they belong to. By wearing a tone that innately lifts your mood, you look better, feel more confident and others will perceive this and respond to you more positively.’
Mandy believes that the reason we don’t go for the colours that suit us best inside and out is due to the interference of external influences such as fashion or our current environments. ‘It’s important, regardless of what colours seem to be in fashion, that you bring your own tones into what you wear,’ she says. ‘We all have styles that we aspire to but they don’t necessarily suit or flatter us. Many of my clients, for example, come in with a very specific idea of what colour palettes they want to belong to, but, on the wrong person, certain shades just don’t work. They can draw the colour out of their skin and make them look less energetic and vibrant.’
Our environment can also play a vital role. Mandy explains that it’s all about giving ourselves permission. ‘If the dominant tones in our working environment are grey, then grabbing attention with a bold colour can feel too daring. Or if a friend told us that red doesn’t really suit us, we might choose not wear it despite the fact that, in the right shade, it may be an amazing colour for us.’
Apparently, choosing our colours is a similar experience to choosing our home. Mandy says, ‘It’s all about what suits our personality and where we belong.
The colours we wish to express ourselves in reveal as much about our personalities and moods as the words we speak. So next time you want to dress for success and impress at that job interview or date, what colour would you wear?

Read More

10 Reasons for you to SMILE every Morning

10 Reasons for you to SMILE every Morning

We all get busy and tangle ourselves in our miseries; forgetting everything we should be thankful for and everything God gave us. We look at the dark side of the sun and fail to see the bright light shining in our eyes! When the world turns off the light on you, read this and feel it glow again.

1. Be thankful for having eyes to read this; for some people in this world are not as healthy as you are!
2. Smile because you were one of the few people, who had the chance to learn something; who had the chance to go to school and make a good life for themselves.
3. Be happy for waking up this morning and getting another chance to get things right.
4. Embrace those who love you; there’s someone out there that thinks about you every day.
5. Look up every morning and thank God for giving you a roof over your head. Some people drown in rain every day.
6. Smile for being able to remember all the good and happy moments; smile for having joyous moments that outnumber your sorrows.
7. Thank God for clean water, healthy food, and peace in your country, because no matter how bad it is where you live, there’s someone out there that has it a hundred times worse.
8. Electricity, because we can’t live without that for even 15 minutes.
9. Appreciate the fact that you are FREE to do whatever you want to do, nothing can hold you down, people fought for your freedom, and the world is just a playground.
10. Smile because after every tear you cry, every pain you experience, and with every heart beat, God is working on a better plan for you anyway!

Read More

8 Secrets to a Healthy and Happy Relationship

 

8 Secrets to a Healthy and Happy Relationship

Healthy and happy relationships keep people happy and help them deal with day-to-day issues and stress.
Studies show that people with healthy relationships are more positive and productive than others with bad relationships.

Here are some secrets to a healthy relationship:

#1 Have Realistic Expectations
People are different, and no one can be everything we want him/her to be. Your partner might have qualities you like and others you don't. They might even disappoint you at one point, but you have to accept your partner as he/she is.

#2 Communicate
Talk to each other! You need to be there for your partner when they need you. Listen carefully and don't ignore what they have to say. Show your interest and concern to their issues.

#3 Don’t Ignore Yourself
Taking care of yourself will help you feel better and therefore treat others better.

#4 Be Dependable
Men and women both need each other’s support. Make your partner feel they can rely on you whenever they need to.

#5 Find the Similarities
Surely you have similar qualities with your partner, but you also have a lot that makes you different!
Liking different things, having different interests, or simply not agreeing on something doesn't mean you are not right for each other; healthy relationships are based on understanding.
When you argue with your partner, don’t jump into everything that bothers you, stay focused on the current topic.

#6 Learn to Say I'm Sorry
Don't be afraid to apologize, you have to admit your mistakes in order to have a healthy relationship.

#7 Forgive
Don't hold grudges! You don't have to accept everything, but a healthy relationship means forgiving your partner's mistakes and hurts.

#8 Be Yourself
Be honest and true to yourself and your partner.

Read More

Psychological Problems of Pakistani Youth

Psychological Problems of Pakistani Youth

The 39 million youth of the country, an enormous figure by itself even numerically, has other than just career or educational problems. Youth is the period of time when all kinds of emotional, mental and physical problems surface. It is at this formative time they need attention and care for their sound development.
How a young man commits suicide because he was never able to discuss his problems with anyone was dramatized in a puppet show presented at the launch of YHL (Youth Help Line). Forced into marriage, he commits suicide because he had trust in the popular myth that adolescent onanism made one impotent. With no one to talk to and friends who only mocked him for his supposed incapability he decides to end his life to avoid embarrassment. This is not fiction says Rabia Manzoor Khan, coordinator of YHL, with boys and girls calling in with mostly psychosexual and psychological problems followed by academic and reproductive physiology difficulties.
‘We’ve had cases like that with severe depression and suicide attempts. It takes quite a few calls to clear their misunderstandings, it doesn’t go away in one call, these myths and misconceptions have been ingrained in them so they keep questioning, but with each call the anxiety and guilt is decreased,’ says Rabia.
The youth is reaching out for help and the need for counselling has finally been given a push towards institutionalization. An unprecedented system for youth counselling was set up by the trailblazing NGO called Rozan in 2001. They started with only a few phone lines but humbly admit that their project was not a product of their own ingeniousness rather a demand of the youth that they met. But the truth is that they are the only organization that has taken the most important initiative to address one of the very fundamental needs of the youth by providing youth counseling nationwide.
Till December 2008, YHL had received 28,471 counselling calls. Up till now the Youth Help line’s toll free number could have been accessed only from PTCL landline numbers with area codes of 05 and 09 that cover entire NWFP, Northern Areas and parts of Punjab. Owing to the increasing demand of young people (many of the callers call from other areas as well via mobiles on other landlines) as well as partner NGOs working with young people all over the country, to access this facility, the Help line’s outreach has been increased. Now young people, dialing from PTCL landlines from anywhere in Pakistan, can access the Help Line’s number free of cost, whereas young people using mobiles will have to pay the regular landline charges.
This is what some young callers said about this facility, ‘I felt so angry and upset when my mother died. YHL was there in my hour of need, just letting me talk and offload.’ Another young boy said, ‘When I was bullied at school for being overweight the YHL counsellor gave me the confidence to stand up for myself.’
Youth Help Line’s service is now available seven days a week from 10am to 8pm. Here trained psychologists provide counselling and information on a range of issues such as lack of self confidence, peer pressure, inability to deal with family dynamics and relationships, inability to cope with anger, information about sexual and reproductive health, bullying, child sexual abuse, sexual and physical violence etc. in complete confidentiality. The psychologists are all qualified. Nooria, a counsellor, has done her masters in developmental psychopathology (child and adolescent clinical psychology) from the National Institute of Psychology, Quaid-i-Azam University, Islamabad. ‘I joined ‘Rozan’ as an intern, did 4-months internship and then I joined as an assistant programme officer/psychologist. I went through a training process based on role-plays, reading meetings, listening to counselling calls of seasoned counsellors (especially on dealing with youth issues) and then I started counselling.’
Qualified counsellors’ treatment goes a long way. Their experienced help created this exceptional success story about a 15-year-old boy named Jamshed who called Youth Help Line from a remote area of NWFP. He took the benefits of YHL a step further by offering to be a long distance volunteer by sharing this service with other people from his town. For most young people who did not have a phone line in their areas he openly offered people to contact the Youth Help Line through his home line.
Young people especially women flock to his house to make use of an opportunity they didn’t have before. Unable to speak to him directly since YHL has strict confidentiality rules where they do not keep the contact of their callers, I was told he said in one of his phone calls to the YHL: ‘I feel so good about working with Youth Help Line and being able to provide some support to those around me.’
Rozan’s efforts can be seen as progress in terms of taking the youth seriously and providing services that will give the youth life long benefits of mental, emotional and physical well being … It also shows that there is someone who is listening to them.

Read More

THE ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP SCALE

THE ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP SCALE

The following statements concern opinions and feelings that you may hold toward another person. With respect to the member of the opposite sex with whom you are most involved at the present time (designated as X), indicate the extent to which you agree or disagree with each statement by writing in the number that best expresses your opinion or feeling according to the key below:

1 = Strongly disagree

2 = Moderately disagree

3 = Slightly disagree

4 = Slightly agree

5 = Moderately agree

6 = Strongly agree

1. X’s presence makes any activity more enjoyable.

2. X is close to my ideal as a person.

3. I am very lucky to be involved in a relationship with X.

4. I find myself wanting X when we’re not together.

5. My relationship with X has given my life more direction and purpose.

6. I spend more time thinking about my career than I do about X.

7. I’d be extremely depressed for a long time if my relationship with X were to end.

8. If I couldn’t have X, I’d easily find someone to replace X.

9. My relationship with X has made my life more worthwhile.

10. I don’t really need X.

11. I want X.

12. I am very dependent upon X.

13. I feel very proud to know X.

14. I want X to confide mostly in me.

15. I spend a great deal of time thinking about X.

16. I want X to tell me “I love you.”

17. I feel very secure in my relationship with X.

18. X is a rather mysterious person.

19. I often wonder how much X really cares for me.

20. Sometimes, I wish I didn’t care so much for X.

21. I worry that X doesn’t care as much for me as I do for X.

22. I have great difficulty trying to figure out X.

23. I have imagined conversations I would have with X.

24. I try to plan out what I want to say before talking to X.

25. X pays enough attention to me.

26. I feel uneasy if X is making friends with someone of the opposite sex.

27. I need X more than X needs me.

28. X has been the cause of some of my worst depressions.

29. My relationship with X is stable and quietly satisfying.

30. There is little conflict between X and myself.

31. I worry about losing X’s affection.

Read More